How are your family's values put
into action? Through personal limits and through family rules. Family rules
define what is and isn't allowed in your family. They apply to everybody.
(Waiting for something that says only Joey can't cross the street by himself?
That's a personal limit.)
Defining your family rules can be helpful,
especially if you're having disciplinary problems. It's not required. Some
families don't believe in having specific family rules. Done right, the family
value statement (no matter how short) should cover the territory. If a behavior
doesn't fit into your family's value statement, it is against the rules, and
that's that. Other families rely on clearly defined family rules. It's a matter
of your family's approach to life.
Behave
Yourself!
Too many family rules and your family will start
focusing more on what it can't do rather than what it can, and
that's not very positive now, is it?
Use
Family Rules Sparingly
Louanne Johnson, author of School Is Not a
Four-Letter Word, tells the story of her first few years of teaching: yards
of rules that she, and her students, were constantly fighting over and
forgetting. Finally she tore up the rule sheet and wrote a new one, with only
two rules:
- Respect
yourself and the other people in the room.
- No
insults against anybody's race, religion, skin color, ethnic background,
gender, or sexual preference.
Johnson makes a point of noting that rule number
two is included in rule number one, but she wanted to stress it. Behavior in
her classroom was measured against these two rules. Spitting is disrespectful,
therefore it was against the rules. With this simplified approach to behavior,
Johnson's whole classroom dynamic changed.
If you look closely, Johnson's rule number one
is a value statement and rule number two, which is more explicit and precise,
is a rule.
Family
Rules Are Your Family Values in Action
Family rules are more specific than the values
expressed in your family value statement. They are how the general values are
expressed in the real world. To define family rules for your family, sit down
with your partner (yes, just the two of you for this discussion; it's not a kid
thing) and go over the list of suggested topics below. You'll see that the
potential for rules is endless. Some of the topics you may want to write a rule
for, some not, and there may be a variety of topics I haven't included here.
Remember:
- Keep
your rule list sparse; the fewer there are, the more power each rule will
have.
- Developing
your list will probably take you more than one sitting.
- Write
down your rules and review them the next day.
- The
very process of discussing these issues with your parenting partner may
lead to some very interesting conversations—and potential conflicts to be
resolved. It's worthwhile to air these differences before they become
household issues, even if you decide not to have any “official” family
rules.
- Remember
that family rules apply to everybody. If the rules are only for the
kids, or if they're supposed to be for everybody but you break them,
you're saying, “I'm the one in power (ha-ha, you're not),” “I'm an adult
so I matter, you're a kid so you don't,” and “Just wait until you grow up.
Then you can break all the rules you want.” Say you make a family rule
that everybody's room has to be kept presentable. If your bedroom remains
swallowed by piles of clothes, old papers, and dirty dishes, you're just
about assured that your child's will look the same.
Even if you love rules, don't even begin
to think you can make family rules to cover every contingency. As a matter of
fact, the fewer rules the better!
Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/parenting/discipline/45291.html#ixzz1Cw9Ug0Vi
Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/parenting/discipline/45291.html#ixzz1Cw9Ug0Vi
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