MY CHILD WOULD NEVER MANIPULATE ME???

Content from Positive Discipline: A-Z by Jane Nelsen

adapted by Amy Woods, MCDC parents and Positive Discipline Trainer

Manipulation is a learned behavior.  Many parents don't realize how they teach manipulation "in the name of love".  They do this when they think they are doing their children a favor by giving in to their demands for one more story, letting them stay home from school because they "don't like it", or buying a toy in response to pleading or a temper tantrum.  Children would not use manipulative behavior if it was not effective.  When parents give in to manipulation time after time, children adopt the belief that "I belong only when I get my way" or "Love means getting other people to do what I want". There are different reasons why children manipulate but one is that they may be discouraged because they haven't learned that they are capable of dealing with disappointment or they haven't learned to work for win/win solutions with other people.  

Suggestions:

1) Sometimes children manipulate because they know that if they plead with their parents long enough that a no will turn into a yes.  Or, if they make school sound terrible enough, that Mom/Dad will keep them home so they don't have to experience the "mean " teacher or the "bullying" friends.  Don't give in.  A "hugging no" can be very effective.  Kindly and firmly stick to your decision.  Encouragement works well too.  "I have faith in you that you can find some fun at school today.  I'll see you at 2:30".  A positive tone makes a difference.  Avoid rewards like "I'll give you a lollipop after school today if you walk into school nicely".  Rewards just feed manipulation.

2) When children tell you that your spouse said they could do something if you say they can't say "Mom (or Dad) and I will discuss this in private and then give you an answer."  Then take the time to get together with your spouse so children don't learn to play one against the other.  

3) Teach your children what manipulative behavior sounds like from them.  Let them know that you will no longer accept begging and pleading and that you'll wait for a respectful request.  

True story: Maggie started a new school and one day she had a "tummy ache" and was sent to the nurse's office.  The nurse was kind and sweet and let her lay down in the office for a while until she felt better.  Maggie continued for the next 2 weeks to complain of a tummy ache every other day and was sent to the nurse’s office.  Maggie and the nurse became friends.  The nurse had learned long ago about manipulative behavior.  The next time Maggie presented to the nurse's office with a tummy ache, the nurse told her "Maggie, I really enjoy when you come in and we can talk.  Please come see me to chat at lunchtime or after school, but I don't want to see you in my office during school hours unless you are really sick."  Maggie's mom had also learned about manipulation and supported the school staff.  Maggie understood and goes into the nurse's office for a hug every now again...after school.  

Here is a Great Excerpt from the Positive Discipline Website

"Many parents and teachers have mistaken notions about kindness. One of the biggest mistakes some parents and teachers make when they decide to try Positive Discipline is becoming too permissive because they don't want to be punitive. Some mistakenly believe they are being kind when they please their children, or when they rescue them and protect them from all disappointment. This is not being kind; it is being permissive. Being kind means to be respectful of the child and of yourself. It is not respectful to pamper children. It is not respectful to rescue them from every disappointment so they don't have the opportunity to develop their "disappointment muscles." It is respectful to validate their feelings, "I can see that you are disappointed (or angry, or upset, etc.)." Then it is respectful to have faith in children that they can survive disappointment and develop a sense of capability in the process."

Concentration

"The first essential for the child's development is concentration. It lays the whole basis for his character and social behavior. He must find out how to concentrate, and for this he needs things to concentrate upon. This shows the importance of his surroundings, for no one acting on the child from outside can cause him to concentrate. Only he can organize his psychic life."
The Absorbent Mind p 202, Chap 22

Montessori did not expect concentration to be a natural characteristic of childhood development. She was well read in the psychological manuals of her day in which it was said that young children were incapable of concentration.

It was her observation of the activities of one child working with the cylinder blocks that led her to question this point and to test it out in other children - That was the seed "After this, whenever I saw a child concentrate on a piece of work I left him undisturbed." (The Child, Society and the World p. 14, Chap II).

This observation led her to see that concentration was, in fact, the key to the natural development of the child. It became the focus of her subsequent work with teachers trained to recognize the importance of its occurrence and the degree to which it released the children to work independently and yet in harmony with each other.

She saw that concentration was not something that could be taught or enforced, but that it was, instead, a vital characteristic of human growth and a demonstration that innate psychic needs were being satisfied.

The moment that a child demonstrated concentration was the moment that led to all the other characteristics that were then associated with 'normalization' (Montessori's word for the child becoming balanced in mind, body and spirit).

"Concentration is the key that opens up to the child the latent treasures within him. As the scattered elements of his personality come together, order begins to take the place of disorder, and the work of self-construction, which had been interrupted, is now taken up again, as nature had intended all along."
Standing, E.M. (1998 edition) Maria Montessori. Her Life and Work p.174, Chap X.

A Whole New Mind

June 12, 2011 

Daniel Pink in his 2005 book, A Whole New Mind, tells us the world is changing and that our brains need to change, too. Pink sees the world becoming geared more to creative endeavors in order to maintain our economic system.

Our work and behavior will need to draw on the creative side or right side of our brain.  Success in the future will be determined by the creativity and flexibility of our thinking.  What changes in the brain, which can also be seen as shifts in thinking, does Pink view as important?

            Pink asserts that basic changes are occurring in these six areas:

Design: It won't be enough in the future to be involved in producing a functional product or service.  Our outcomes must be beautiful, fun and engage the consumer at an emotional level.

Story:  Enough of a diet of facts and information. We'll want and need facts but we will be required to craft them into a compelling story.

Symphony:  Focus and analysis will not satisfy the demands of a whole new mind.  Synthesis and the creation of meaning giving the big picture will become the new standard. 

Empathy:   Dr. Spock logic will be replaced with meaningful relationships where emotional well-being is tantamount.

Play:  Work is important, of course, but we need to learn to laugh and have fun as part of the process.  Our physical, mental and emotional health will benefit from a new balance of play and work, or perhaps the development of work as play.

Meaning:  With our new minds, meaning comes to the forefront pushing materialism into the background.  Purpose, understanding, spiritual fulfillment and purposeful activity will become our focus versus the accumulation of things.

Pink's concept of a whole new mind merges left-brain activities that areanalytical, linear, explicit, sequential, verbal, concrete, rational, active, goal-oriented with the creative right brain's way of being intuitive, spontaneous, emotional, nonverbal, visual, artistic, holistic, playful, diffuse, symbolic, and physical, thus creating a more balanced approach to life.

What does this mean for our work with children?  Perhaps we should be thinking of ways that we can integrate creative activity within our learning environments of school and home.  Perhaps we need to nourish the ideas of design and meaning by creating opportunities for our children to appreciate beauty.

A softer delineation between work and play might help us create stronger learning in the brain, and deeper satisfaction with life.  In the words of Mark Twain, "Work and play are words to describe the same thing under differing conditions."  Research shows that we retain information longer and more accurately when we laugh and have fun.  Dramatic play, singing, and art can be used to integrate learning for our whole new minds.

We also need to help our children make the connections to a bigger picture and offer opportunities for meaningful personal relationships.

            Pink describes a world that is hopeful, meaningful, and fun when we develop a whole new way of thinking with a whole new mind.

             

Next time: Success is not an outlier

   

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The Understanding Montessori Newsletter is  written  by Maren Schmidt and is part of of her award winning Kids Talk weekly syndicated newspaper column.   Ms. Schmidt is founder of a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over twenty-five years experience working with young children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. She is the author of two books, Understanding Montessori: A Guide for Parents and Building Cathedrals Not Walls. Understanding Montessori is available now in your favorite e-book formats and in print on line at these and other sites: www.amazon.com  www.barnesandnoble.com www.MontessoriServices.com  MarenSchmidt.com                             For volume discounts for your school or book group, e-mail maren_schmidt@me.com.    Study Guide Now Available.