MY CHILD WOULD NEVER MANIPULATE ME???

Content from Positive Discipline: A-Z by Jane Nelsen

adapted by Amy Woods, MCDC parents and Positive Discipline Trainer

Manipulation is a learned behavior.  Many parents don't realize how they teach manipulation "in the name of love".  They do this when they think they are doing their children a favor by giving in to their demands for one more story, letting them stay home from school because they "don't like it", or buying a toy in response to pleading or a temper tantrum.  Children would not use manipulative behavior if it was not effective.  When parents give in to manipulation time after time, children adopt the belief that "I belong only when I get my way" or "Love means getting other people to do what I want". There are different reasons why children manipulate but one is that they may be discouraged because they haven't learned that they are capable of dealing with disappointment or they haven't learned to work for win/win solutions with other people.  

Suggestions:

1) Sometimes children manipulate because they know that if they plead with their parents long enough that a no will turn into a yes.  Or, if they make school sound terrible enough, that Mom/Dad will keep them home so they don't have to experience the "mean " teacher or the "bullying" friends.  Don't give in.  A "hugging no" can be very effective.  Kindly and firmly stick to your decision.  Encouragement works well too.  "I have faith in you that you can find some fun at school today.  I'll see you at 2:30".  A positive tone makes a difference.  Avoid rewards like "I'll give you a lollipop after school today if you walk into school nicely".  Rewards just feed manipulation.

2) When children tell you that your spouse said they could do something if you say they can't say "Mom (or Dad) and I will discuss this in private and then give you an answer."  Then take the time to get together with your spouse so children don't learn to play one against the other.  

3) Teach your children what manipulative behavior sounds like from them.  Let them know that you will no longer accept begging and pleading and that you'll wait for a respectful request.  

True story: Maggie started a new school and one day she had a "tummy ache" and was sent to the nurse's office.  The nurse was kind and sweet and let her lay down in the office for a while until she felt better.  Maggie continued for the next 2 weeks to complain of a tummy ache every other day and was sent to the nurse’s office.  Maggie and the nurse became friends.  The nurse had learned long ago about manipulative behavior.  The next time Maggie presented to the nurse's office with a tummy ache, the nurse told her "Maggie, I really enjoy when you come in and we can talk.  Please come see me to chat at lunchtime or after school, but I don't want to see you in my office during school hours unless you are really sick."  Maggie's mom had also learned about manipulation and supported the school staff.  Maggie understood and goes into the nurse's office for a hug every now again...after school.