Setting Limits - By Kathryn Kvols

Setting Limits
by Kathryn Kvols

What are limits?Limits tell your family under what condition you are willing or unwilling to do something. They tell your family where you "draw the line." They tell them what you will or will not tolerate. Their purpose is to take care of you. Limits are not designed to control or manipulate someone else' behavior. Here are three examples:

Example 1. A mother was playing basketball with her two teenage sons. The boys were getting competitive and soon the game wasn't fun. Mother announced, "It is not fun for me when you two fight. When you are ready to make it fun again, come and get me. I'd love to play again."

Example 2. "Children need you to set limits so that they can recognize and respect other people's limits"
I was holding hands roller-skating with my daughter. She said in a very demanding tone of voice,"Skate faster!" This wasn't the first time I had noticed that she was being demanding so I said,"I am unwilling to have you talk like that to me. It makes me feel like not cooperating with you and if you continue, I will skate by myself."

Example 3. A daughter asked her mother to take her to the video store and rent her a movie. Her daughter had already spent her allowance that week. Mom said, "I'd be willing to take you to the video store but, I am unwilling to rent you a movie." Limits give others important information about you to help them know what they can or cannot expect from you. They are about you. Not about criticizing someone else's behavior or about trying to make them act in a certain way.

Why do children need limits?
* Children need you to set limits so that they can recognize and respect other people's limits.
* Limits provide a sense of security. When children don't know your limits they feel lost in an abyss. They feel confused and sometimes literally bounce around trying to find some.
* Limits make children feel like we care about them. Children who are raised without limits often feel abandoned.
* Children need limits to learn how to deal with conflict. What happens when someone tells me I have over stepped his or her limits? *What happens when someone disrespects mine?
* Children need limits to help them define themselves. They help them clarify their own limits because they have seen your model.
* Limits help them to learn what is socially acceptable and what is not.
* Children need to learn that if they go past a certain point, there will be consequences. Some of them may be serious.

What issues need limits?
You may want to set limits about the use of your belongings, TV watching, bedtime, your time, the use of profanity, mealtime, chores, care and feeding of pets. This is not a conclusive list. Make a list of important issues for you.

How do we know when our limits are being violated?
The best clue to determine whether or not you limits are being violated is by being in touch with your feelings. If any of the following feelings sound familiar you know your limits are being dishonored. Or that you are not being clear about them. Anger, resentment, impositioned, smothered, taken advantage of, abused, like you are pulling more than your fair share of the weight, unappreciated, like you are being divided between two people you love, taken for granted, a child taxi cab driver, wondering what about me?

Why do we have a difficult time setting limits?
Our ability to set and follow through with limit setting will be largely determined by how you were parented as a child. If you were in any of the following situations, setting limits may be difficult for you.

* Not having any limits as a child, being unsupervised* Being told messages like, "Don't make waves"; "Children are to be seen and not heard"; "You are being selfish."
* If you were told it wasn't "nice" to assert yourself
* If there was abuse in home either mental, physical, emotional, sexual, drug and alcohol or work.
* If there was someone in your family that you had to give up your needs for because they were sick or disabled.
* If self-sacrifice was modeled and expected of you.
* If intimidation was used to motivate you.* Sometimes we don't set limits because we don't feel we deserve them.
* Or we feel guilty about our own actions such as, working too much or getting a divorce.

What we do instead of setting limits?
We often choose one of the following behaviors rather than setting limits because we are afraid of creating conflict. We are afraid the other person will get angry or leave us, or reject us. We may even feel that what we say or do will not make a difference anyway. Instead directly setting limits we sometimes indirectly handle these situations by:

* Denial (Acting or pretending as though it didn't happen)* Ignore it and hope it'll go away* Talk yourself out of how you are feeling (I shouldn't feel that way because ... )
* Making excuses for the other person's behavior (He only said that because he was tired.)* Ruminating about the issue (Going over and over the event in your mind, trying to make sense of it.)
* Blame someone else* Blame yourself (if I had only done ... he wouldn't act this way.)
* Getting even
* Hiding behind righteousness (I'm above having those feelings.)
* Pretending that you don't care
* Withholding your love or your communication

What can we expect when we start setting limits?
When you first start setting limits, you can expect that your child's behavior will get worse. They will test you. They will try everything in their power to get you to go back to the way you used to be. So, make sure your seat belt is fastened. You may be going for a ride!

Steps for setting limits:

1. Honor your feelings. Remember feelings are neither right or wrong. They just are.
2. Get clear about what you want. What you are and are not willing to do.
3. Present the information to your family member using an "I" statement. For example, "I am unwilling to wash clothes that are not in the hamper." There should be no blame, shame, guilt, exaggerations or complaining. Do this step as soon as possible to prevent an unnecessary build up of resentment
4. Be  ready to "stick to your guns." Be consistent and follow through.

Kathryn Kvols, a national speaker, is the author of the book, "Redirecting Children's Behavior" and the president of the International Network for Children and Families. She can be reached at 1-800-257-9002.

The Importance of Practical Life Activities in the Montessori Classroom (3-6)

“If teaching is to be effective with young children, it must assist them to advance on the way to independence. It must initiate them into those kinds of activities, which they can perform themselves. We must help them to learn how to walk without assistance, to run, to go up and down the stairs, to pick up fallen objects, to dress and undress, to wash themselves, to express their needs, and to attempt to satisfy their desires through their own efforts. All this is part of an education for independence.”- Maria Montessori, The Discovery of the Child

Psychologists have argued that childhood is a natural phase of growing up. Indeed, Maria Montessori believed that children are innately preparing to be adults. She further stated that parents and teachers needed to provide a strong foundation of skills and work habits that would eventually allow them to be responsible for the caring of their own families, homes, community and environment. These skills, when taught early in life, allow children to believe in themselves as well as developing the self-discipline needed for success throughout their lives.

Montessori stated that at each plane of development there is a sensitive period for different skills and activities. It is critical that proper stimulation be provided as nature intended. A child enters the Children’s House (Montessori preschool) around the age of three. It is here where the Work of the Family, known as Practical Life activities, provides an introduction and smooth transition to the Montessori school by linking the activities that the child is familiar with at home to the school environment. Children at this age enjoy, and even prefer, spending their time helping adults with their activities.When allowed to do so, the child learns that his contributions are of value,thus boosting his self-esteem and independence. He enjoys and should be encouraged to use child-size replicas of adult tools. In short, the direct aim of Montessori Practical Life activities is to help develop social skills and independence. Indirectly, Practical Life activities develop fine motor skills, as well as strengthening intellect, concentration, and personal will.

The importance of beauty in the Montessori classroom can be keenly observed in the Practical Life area of the classroom. Practical Life activities have a unique purpose which, when carried out properly, are very calming. To the adult eye, these activities may seem simple and repetitive, but a child who is learning to wash a table or fold napkins is accomplishing more than meets the eye. The Montessori teacher realizes that the child is:

• demonstrating a high level of concentration
• developing a sense of order (putting all materials back where they belong)
• taking pride in a job well done
• increasing independence through care of self and the environment
• developing respect for his community (using materials appropriately and cleaning up afterwards)
• improving fine motor coordination

The Four Areas of Practical Life

1 – Preliminary Activities – These activities provide the foundation and set the stage for all works in the Montessori classroom. These include such tasks as how to roll and unroll a mat, how to walk around a mat, how to sharpen a pencil, how to put down a chair, and walking on the line.

2 – Care of Self – These activities provide the means for children to become physically independent. These may include such activities as how to wash hands, how to brush teeth, how to pack a lunch, how to pack an overnight bag, and how to tie shoes.

3 – Care of the Environment – Learning how to clean is very important in the Montessori classroom. These activities may include how to set the table, how to clean dishes and cutlery,how to sweep the floor, how to dust the shelves, how to water the plants, and how to clean up spills.

4 – Social Graces and Courtesies – These activities are not found on the shelves. Rather, the Montessori teacher introduces social graces and courtesies such as how to shake hands, saying please and thank you, how to interrupt someone, and how to cough and sneeze. Practical Life activities should be taken very seriously. The child works patiently, with reverence. This is her work and it is important that it is respected as such. Where adults usually chose the most efficient and quickest way to do something, a child works to perfect her skills and master the activity. Her purpose is not so much to complete the task as it is to construct herself. The adults in her life should take pleasure in the child’s achievements: “Oh, it is nice to have such a clean table.”; “What a clean and shiny mirror!”; “You must have worked very hard on this.”

The most important work in the Montessori preschool may be the Practical Life activities. Parents who are unfamiliar with Montessori education may feel that Practical Life activities are a waste of time. “Why is my child learning how to wash dishes when they should be learning how to do something more academic, like math?” Math, reading, and language all require one to have the ability to focus, to be able to complete a task with logical and sequential steps, to concentrate,to make intelligent choices, and to see a task from start to finish. This is precisely the intent of the Practical Life activities. Through the Practical Life work, children learn to calmly go about their work and to take pleasure and satisfaction from their efforts.

Will a Montessori Education Prepare My Child for the Real World?

Will a Montessori Education Prepare My Child for the Real World”?

Will a Montessori Education Prepare My Child for the Real World”?

This is a common question I hear as I meet with prospective parents and take them on a tour through our community at The New School Montessori.This is a difficult question to answer considering the “real world” is a relative term.  Do they mean the “real world” of professional pressures, deadlines, and aggressive competition? Or do they mean the “real world” of emotional intelligence, engaged citizenry, compassion, joy, and relationship to one’s environment?  If I were to be honest with myself, I’m pretty sure they’re asking about the former – the “real world” of work.  Fortunately, no matter which version of the “real world” they are referring to, my answer is the same, a resounding “Yes!”

Multi-age classrooms and emphasis on time management prepare in “real world” ways.

For those of you who are not familiar with Montessori education let me briefly explain that it is a philosophy and pedagogy based on the scientific research of Dr. Maria Montessori. Children are grouped in multi-aged classrooms, where students are engaged in hands-on, self-paced, collaborative work. Multi-aged classrooms allow older students to be leaders and mentors while providing opportunities for younger students to work with older classmates on group projects.  In addition, Montessori teachers do not stand in front of a class giving lectures while asking students to work on the same thing, at the same time, in the same way.  Rather, they walk throughout the classroom working one-on-one with students or in small groups.  At the core of the Montessori philosophy is the belief that all students have a natural desire to learn, explore, and joyfully work toward independence through knowledge and discipline.

Now, keeping all of that in mind, I want you to ask yourself:
• In any “real world” job, is everyone the same age?
• Are workers all sitting at their desks working on the same thing at the same time?
• Do workers often need to access memorized facts in a timed setting?  Of course not.

In a “real world” job, one is expected to be able to work with people at different levels of experience, work well independently and in a group, set up work, concentrate on it, keep it organized, complete it, and put it away.  Workers need to try things to see if they work and then learn from their mistakes. They need to be able to problem solve and to communicate effectively.

The top five types of knowledge and skills employers are looking for in the 21  st   Century were listed by a Gallup poll in this order and are all skills deeply embedded in the Montessori method:   
 • Critical thinking and problem solving,
• information technology application,
• teamwork and collaboration,
• creativity and innovation
• and diversity training.

Montessori education has been proven to prepare children for the “real world.”

An article titled “Montessori Mafia” in the Wall Street Journal by Peter Sims, author of Little Bets: How Breakthrough Ideas Emerge from Small Discoveries, states,

“The Montessori educational approach might be the surest route to joining the creative elite, which are so over represented by [Montessori] alumni that one might suspect a Montessori Mafia: Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, video game pioneer Will Wright, and Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales.”

Sims didn’t mention other famous Montessori innovators like Julia Child, Katherine Graham (Pulitzer Prize winning author), Gabriel Garcia Marquez (winner of the Nobel Prize for literature), Yo-Yo Ma (cellist and winner of 15 Grammy Awards), George Clooney (Academy Award winning actor), Helen Keller (who is considered one of the most widely admired people of the 20th Century), and the list goes on.

In 2004 Barbara Walters interviewed Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin, and asked them if having college professors as parents was the major factor behind their success. Page stated that more influential than having professorial parents was the fact that, “ We both went to Montessori school, and I think it was part of the training…being self-motivated, questioning what’s going on in the world, doing things a bit differently.”In the popular magazine Science, Angeline Lillard published a study comparing the educational achievement performance of low-income Milwaukee children who attended Montessori preschools versus children attending a variety of other traditional preschools determined by lottery. Lehrer found that by the end of kindergarten, “Montessori students proved to be significantly better prepared for elementary school in reading and math skills than the non-Montessori children. They also tested better on “executive function,” the ability to adapt to changing and more complex problems, an indicator of future school and life success.”  What about Montessori at a high school level? Clark Montessori (a Cincinnati public Montessori school) provided these results of their 88 graduates in 2010:  100% graduation rate.  100% of the graduates went to college.  33% were first generation in their families to attend college, and 33% came from families in need of free or reduced lunches.

So yes, a Montessori education will prepare your child for the “real world” of 21  st   Century employment.   But here’s the added bonus; a Montessori education will also prepare your children for the “real world” of life, learning skills like how to:   
 • resolvve conflicts peacefully.
• build a relationship between themselves and their environment.
• remain curious and a life long learner.
• treat others with kindness and respect.
• be more interested in the joy of discovery than the value of a grade or paycheck.
       - reflect and know how to celebrate their individuality while at the same time knowing how to sacrifice their own desires for the benefit of the whole.These values have deep roots in Montessori education, and it just so happens they are also what prepare us for how to live fully in the “real world” of life.
So, will a Montessori education prepare your child for the “real world?”
Yes it will.
- Jeff Groh          http://newschoolmontessori.com/

The Benefits of Montessori Schools

     When our children are born, we have already decided that we will raise them in the best way we can. This responsibility, however, involves us making choices for them, and one of the most fundamental choices we make is that of their education. You may be at the stage when you are choosing a first school for your little one, or you have a child who is already in the school system, and is not fitting in, or is unhappy. Whatever stage you are at, before you make your choice, it is worth looking into the Montessori method. In the UK, most Montessori schools are pre-schools, with some elementary, but in the US, there are elementary schools as well as some high schools.

     The founder of the Montessori method of teaching was a lady called Maria Montessori, the first woman in Italy to graduate in medicine from the University of Rome. She worked with mentally retarded children, then served in a variety of university teaching positions. In 1907, she opened the Casa dei Bambini, where she taught children of normal intelligence using her methods from her research in philosophy, child development and education. She spent most of her remaining life writing, lecturing and teaching about her methods.

     The benefits of a Montessori education are numerous, and it is well worth visiting one to experience the atmosphere for yourself. The main goal of Montessori is to provide a stimulating, child oriented environment that children can explore, touch, and learn without fear. Each child learns at his or her own pace. Teachers are understanding and encouraging, so that the child can enjoy learning, and feel happy about her path and purpose in life. Here are some of the benefits:

     All children, whatever their abilities or interests, reach their full potential. All children fit in, including children with learning disabilities. Many children learn best in different ways, and the equipment is designed for this. For example, one piece of equipment is the sand alphabet – the letters of the alphabet in sand on card. The child traces over the sand letter with her finger, and then writes the letter on paper. For all subjects there are items of interest to the child, however he learns best. For example, for geography, not only are there books, but globes, map puzzles, pictures, and animal figures (sensory items). There are also regular visits from people, pets, animals, and different activities depending on the topic at the time, eg. Chinese cooking, Italian food sampling.

     Montessori schools teach independence from an early age. The children take an active part in running their school, like preparing and serving at the drinks break, and putting learning equipment away after they have used it. Practical tasks like sweeping, polishing, making sandwiches and tying shoe laces, are all available for children to learnon a daily basis.

     Children are not expected to conform to set standards of achievement as in conventional schools. The Montessori method takes account of the needs, talents, gifts, and special individuality of each child. The children learn at their own pace, so they are not being constrained nor criticized for what they do. There is a total freedom to learn whiich makes the learning fun.

     In a Montessori environment children are encouraged to respect and help each other. If they choose, they will work with other children, and help each other, or 'teach' each other, and they enjoy doing so. It is wonderful to watch children who really want to help each other.

     The equipment available for learning is unique and designed by Maria Montessori. It is exceptionally good quality equipment, which means the children value it and treat it with care. The environment of a Montessori school is peaceful and facilitates learning. Because children are happy and learning at their own pace, discipline is not an issue.

     The best way to find what Montessori schools are available in your area is to visit, for the UKwww.montessori.org.uk/schools.php and for the USAwww.amshq.org/schools.html